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This Is Me


This is me.


I had just given birth vaginally to a ten pound baby the day before after an induction at 41 weeks.


My roots of white hair were on full display.

My hands were swollen.

My vagina was swollen.

My boobs will sore.

My arms were bruised from nurses shoving IV's into them while I was pushing.

I was emotional and totally and completely in love.


If I could go back in time and be in this moment, I would do anything to feel this warmth and contentment again. She is my third child and I was soaking up every moment of getting to know her on the outside of my womb.


We were in a love bubble. I was wearing my favorite hoodie with her skin to skin under my hospital gown and blanket. Looking at this picture always makes me feel joy and unconditional love. It makes me feel pride for myself.


But there's also a lot going on within this picture that you can't see. There is a story behind every photograph that is shared on social media. This may look like a perfect picture of a mother postpartum with her baby but that's not the whole story.


A year prior to this photograph being taken, I had experienced a miscarriage.

A year before I had mourned the death of one of my best friends.

A year before I had come forward and spoken my truth to my family about abuse I had experienced as a child.

A year before I severed ties with my family and became estranged in order to protect myself, my children, and our family.

A year before I had suffered a mental breakdown that left me homebound for three months.


Not every picture is as it seems.


Each and every baby is a gift and the moment we learned of this pregnancy literally saved my life. The bond that I share with my daughter is significant in my recovery process. She was my spirit baby. Our relationship as mother and daughter is one I have not experienced before.


I share this with you because this life is hard. There are things that we have to experience that we never imagined we would have to endure. But those experiences make us the people we need to become in order to make a difference in this world.


#withinmotherhood #birthstory #postpartumstory #birthtrauma #postpartum #mentalhealth #recovery

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